Sacred Banana
by El loopy
Summary: RvB. Just after Sister joins the Reds. The Reds have a new recruit join their ranks and in order to celebrate Doughnut decides to have a party, much to the annoyance of the new Blue team member. What happens when Blues decide to crash the party? oneshot


Red Vs Blue: The Sacred Banana

**This doesn't actually follow the plot line of the episodes because I wrote it between two and what I thought would happen didn't. What you gonna do? **

**Disclaimer: I don't own RvB**

_Red Base _

"Okay listen up you dirtbags!" Sarge bellowed, "Command's shipping us in some new troops."

"Oh goodie!" Doughnut grinned, "We should throw a welcome party! I love parties! We'll put up decorations and I'll bake a cake…"

"Hey! You didn't throw _me_ a welcome party!" Grif's sister protested.

"That's because you landed you spaceship on Doughnut," Simmons said matter-of-factly, "and he's the one who throws the parties."

"I totally forgive you for that by the way," Doughnut whispered.

Grif sighed. "Great. Just one more person to torture me."

_Blue Base _

"Vic Jnr says he'll send us more troops." Church informed his team.

"Oh good. I - like – people."

"There better be a chick this time." Tucker complained. "I'm sick of him sending us all these guys. All my flirtatious energy is getting pent up and coming out in whatever ways available. I'm even starting to come on to you guys."

There was an awkward silence.

"You know what? – I'm really not comfortable with this conversation."

"We should throw them a par-ty. I – like – parties."

_Red Base _

There was total silence as the new, white armoured recruit stared across at the Red team members, who stared back.

"This is it? These are the new troops?" Simmons exclaimed.

"Maybe the others are hiding in the bushes." Doughnut smiled, then clapped his hands enthusiastically. "Do we have to seek them?"

The new recruit looked sulky. "No it's just me," she mumbled grumpily.

"Cheer up rookie!" Sarge yelled, "We now have more forces than the Blues. We're sure to win now."

"Didn't we always have more forces than the blues?" Grif asked.

Sarge glared at him, "Shut your mouth, or, so help me, I'll send you on another life threatening mission, which you have absolutely no chance of surviving."

"Hey! Leave Grif alone!"

"Don't worry – the last dangerous mission was to get a banana…" he paused, "Wait a minute…"

The whole team stood perfectly still and stared at the white armoured recruit (who was consequently starting to get a trifle self-conscious) totally gob-smacked.

"Did…did you just stand up for Grif?" Simmons stuttered.

"Yeah!" White armour exclaimed. "Grif's great. Lay off him."

"Maybe you should lay under him," Simmons quipped.

Sarge guffawed, "Good one Simmons."

Grif continued to stand silently in a state of utter shock.

White armour pulled a face of disgust and turned away, "Urg – boys are so gross. I hate this team. This is exactly why I wanted to be on the Blue Team instead of that other guy."

The laughing abruptly stopped.

"Say what now."

_Blue Base _

"Soooo…" Lilac armour stood admiring the scenery. "This is the Blue Base."

"Okay Rookie," Church approached her, "I think I should let you know some ground rules…"

"Who are you calling Rookie?"

Church ignored her and carried on speaking, " 1. I'm in charge. Whatever I say goes."

"I said WHO ARE YOU CALLING A ROOKIE?!?!"

" 2. Only I get the sniper rifle."

"WHAT? That's not going to happen nark."

"I like you. What is your name – new – person?"

" 3. I am the most important member of this team and you all have to sacrifice yourselves to keep me safe."

"It's Helen."

"That – is a nice – name."

" 4. Don't mention kittens or spikes around Caboose because he goes crazy and tries to kill everyone."

"What was that Church?"

"Nothing Caboose."

Helen turned to look at Tucker who was eying her up rather unnervingly.

"What are you looking at?" She demanded.

"I'm imagining you with your armour off." Tucker replied blandly.

"What?!?!" Helen exploded.

"Aww, c'mon," Tucker said seductively (or what he thought was seductively), "We both know that you're doing the exact same thing."

Helen just stared at him.

"Bow chicka bow wow!"

Without further ado Helen promptly hit him over the head with her pistol.

"10. No one is allowed to inflict bodily harm on me. However inflicting it on Tucker is perfectly acceptable."

"Is anyone actually listening to him?" Helen asked those that weren't Church.

"No." Tucker replied scornfully, whilst rubbing his head.

Caboose blinked at her, "Listening to who?"

" 20…"

"All right. That does it." Helen pulled her pistol from its holster and whacked Church over the head with it.

"Ooooh," Tucker winced, "Headshot."

Church groaned and slumped to the ground as Helen darted forward and snatched up his sniper rifle. "All right narks this is my team now. Get used to it!"

_Red Base _

"So I said, no way am I going on the Red team, so he said – in a very woman-like voice…"

"If he had a woman-like voice how do you know he wasn't a chick?"

"What? Girls don't join armies silly."

The Red team glanced at each other. "You did."

White armour grinned. "Oh yeah! Well he might have been a she then. Anyway, he/she said 'okay we'll flip a coin, heads I win tails you lose.' And I said 'no way, I'm not falling for that." So they said 'fine. Tails I win, heads you lose.' And I lost."

Simmons rolled his eyes, "Well duh!"

"Don't act like that Simmons. There was a perfectly reasonable probability that she could win." Sarge scolded.

"Like how?" Simmons replied.

"If the coin had landed on its edge."

White armour sagged visibly. "Great. Now I'm depressed."

"Cheer up white guy." Doughnut grinned at her. "We've prepared a welcome party for you."

White Armour perked up. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot about that." Simmons gestured her. "Let's go Snowy."

"My name's Rachel."

"I prefer Snowy." Simmons asserted.

"Me too. It reminds me of Christmas!" Doughnut said.

With that they all set off down to the base where music was blaring out of a stereo and the place was draped in red streamers.

_Blue Base _

"Okay narks. Since I'm your new leader I'd like to get a few things straight – Caboose you're lovely, Tucker if you hit on me I'll kill you, and Church I want complete obedience."

"Oh yeah," he muttered under his breath, "well I want to put a bullet in your back."

"What was that Church?"

"Nothing."

"You'd like me to put a bullet through your back?" Helen levelled the rifle at him.

"No, no, no, really I'm okay." Church protested nervously.

"Maybe later then," Helen smiled scarily at him. A booming noise distracted her and she looked around in consternation. "Where is that coming from?"

The three Blues shrugged at her.

Helen glanced around and set off up the slope back to the base. She climbed onto the roof and looked through the sight of the sniper.

"What the…?" she exclaimed loudly and turned on her teammates. "The Red team are having a PARTY!!!!"

"Oooooh, a party – I love par-ties."

"Why didn't I get a party and they do?"

Church shrugged, "Maybe it's because you're a grumpy, evil bi…" he closed his mouth as Helen swung the rifle at him.

"If you're so bothered," Tucker said, "why don't we just go down there and crash it?"

Helen thought about that for a moment and then grinned, "That's a very good idea."

"Great! Does that mean that you'll…"

"No!!!!"

"C'mon baby, you're only delaying the inevitable. We both know that you want a ride on the love train."

Church, Helen and Caboose all stared at him.

"What did you just say to me?"

"Seriously dude, you mean that stuff actually works on the girl's back home?"

"Tucker mentioned a train. Where is this train? I – like – trains."

Helen thumped Tucker over the head twice. "That's for hitting on me. And that's for getting Caboose's hopes up." After kicking Tucker's prone body a couple of times she breathed out and put the rifle over her shoulder. "Now, what were we talking about?"

"Crashing the Red's party?"

"Oh yeah. C'mon then, let's go destroy their party." Helen set off towards the Red Base.

"Don't you want to form a strategy or something…?" Church yelled at her.

Helen stopped, turned around and raised her eyebrows at him, "You never form strategies."

Church paused for a moment, "Good point, lets go."

_Red Base _

"Wow! This party's great! Well done Doughnut." Rachel grinned.

"A well conducted party is just my way of saying welcome to the team Snowy."

"Its Rachel."

"What's Rachel?" he asked looking around.

"I'm Rachel."

"You've lost me."

"What's that?" she asked, pointing a banana mounted on the wall of the base.

"That is the banana I was telling you about earlier, the one I had to go on a 'mission' for," Grif answered coming up to stand next to her.

"What does it do?" she reached out to touch it.

"Oi! Whitewash! Lemonhead! Step away from the banana!" Sarge bellowed.

"Hee hee, lemonhead," Simmons chuckled to himself.

"I'm not yellow!"

"And my name is Rachel!"

"Of course it is," Sarge patronised.

"What's with the banana?" Rachel asked him.

"How do you know about that Rookie? It's top secret!"

"It's sitting right there."

"Damn it. The Rookie must have some sort of new technology in that armour…or maybe even a special superpower! Nobody's supposed to be able to see that banana but me!"

"Superpower…oooooh. Are we all superheroes?" Doughnut grinned gleefully. "I'll be Oreo boy!"

"No Doughnut. Sarge is just being…erm…Sarge again." Simmons sighed. "Sir, we can all see the banana."

"Of course you can Simmons, just like you saw the tank."

"I did see the tank!!!!"

This insane conversation was broken up as the Blue Team charged up firing their guns and peppering the base in bullets.

"We're crashing your party Reds!" Church announced.

"Don't let them take the banana!" Sarge cried out.

The Red team all ducked behind the rocks surrounding the base out of the way of the bullets.

"Is someone actually going to form a strategy to fight back?" Rachel asked.

"Good idea Rookie. Grif…"

"Dammit!"

"…I suggest that you…"

Rachel wasn't really listening to Sarge. She was staring at Lilac armour. "Wait a minute, that's the guy in the ship."

"…get blown to bits and then, when you're dust, slip into their armour and choke them…"

"Listen up Reds!" Lilac armour interrupted Sarge's plan.

"Oh no!" Rachel whispered, turning as white as her armour.

"I'm the new leader of the Blue Team."

"It's her!" Rachel whimpered to herself.

"And I'm miffed that you threw this party without me."

"We're all doomed! Doomed!" Rachel finally broke and ran off screaming.

"Hey! We're allowed to do that?" Grif asked, before promptly running after Rachel.

"That is desertion you insubwaystations!" Sarge growled. "Protect the banana."

"I thought we were supposed to protect the flag?" Doughnut said in confusion.

"And isn't it insubordinates." Simmons corrected.

"What are you? Soldiers or grammar teachers?"

"Sorry sir, but we need to do something as we are currently under fire and two men have deserted." Simmons said.

"I like – dessert," Caboose answered from the other side of the rock.

"Dammit Caboose! We were sneaking up on them!" Church yelled.

"Hey! Leave Caboose alone!" Helen yelled back from one of the other rocks.

"What is it with these chicks and defending the stupid members of the team?" Simmons asked.

"Grif and Caboose are the only smart ones in this entire valley!" Helen shouted back.

"Why is the enemy defending part of our team?"

"I don't know Simmons. It just doesn't seem logical. I long for the good old days where I was an uncontended leader and could torture Grif at will without any complaints."

"This is all very nice but haven't we just captured you." Church pointed out.

"You're right, but you'll never take me alive! Simmons, Doughnut, prepare to die."

Simmons cocked his rifle, "Happy to do so sir."

"Doughnut?"

"I'd rather not die. Can I be a prisoner? I like being a prisoner." Doughnut requested.

"How – are you – Mr sugar coated pastry?" Caboose smiled at him.

"Okay, enough insanity. We've officially captured the base." Helen swung the sniper over her shoulder. "I'm so a better leader than you Church."

"Well great. We've captured their base. Now what?"

For once Helen was stumped. "Erm…"

_A cave somewhere far from the base _

Grif caught up with Rachel.

"Hey. Good idea, the whole running thing. I think we just narrowly avoided getting captured."

"Doesn't that mean we now have to go back and save them?"

Grif was silent for a moment. "Dammit."

_Red Base _

"You hoo! Blue Team! You SUCK!!!"

"That's some nice heckling there Simmons."

"Thank you sir."

"Will you all just shut up!?" Helen snapped and put her hand to her head…helmet.

"What's wrong baby?" Tucker purred. "You seem stressed. Want a massage?"

Helen glared at him. "What's wrong? Oh nothing, except don't know what to do with the Red Base, the Blue Base is unguarded, there are still two of the Red team running around, Church isn't helping because he's gloating about how I don't know what to do, the Red team just won't shut up, an annoying green guy keeps hitting on me…"

"I'm not green!"

"Wait a minute!" Sarge cried out. "Where did the sacred banana go?"

Everyone stared at Sarge.

"Sacred banana?"

It was at that point that Caboose reappeared.

"Caboose! Where have you been?" Church asked.

"Isn't it funny that you sometimes don't realise someone's been missing until they reappear." Doughnut uttered these pearls of wisdom to deaf ears.

"I was out – doing – stuff."

"Hmmmm…" The Red team looked at each coyly.

"Have you seen a banana?"

"A ban-an-a?" Caboose repeated.

"Yes, a yellow thing in a curvy shape," Church said slowly.

"Oh yes, that. I…erm…ate it."

"You moron! That's a bomb! You'll kill us all!" Sarge exploded.

"…and one of my team just swallowed a bomb." Helen sighed. "I need help." She turned on her radio. "Talk to me Vic."

"_Hello. Hello there."_ Vic Jnr said over a crackle of static.

Suddenly Helen went stock-still.

"Hello. Hello there dude. You still there?"

"Hello. This is O'Malley speaking." Helen snarled down the radio.

"Oh great." Church sighed.

_Somewhere between blue and red base _

"I don't think this is such a good idea."

"Get a bit of backbone Grif."

"I will when you get a plan."

Rachel continued to crawl army style over the ground.

"Didn't you run screaming from this person?"

"Yes."

"Then why are we going back?"

"Because…it's the right thing to do."

"Oh is that all. In that case I'll meet you back at the cave."

"Grif…"

"Why are you so scared of her anyway?"

"Because we went to training together and she was mean and by mean I mean ruthless, cruel…" Rachel turned around but Grif was gone.

_Red Base _

"I ditched that fool Doc in order to take over this more powerful entity known as Helen. Moh ha ha. You fools. You never even saw it coming."

"Hello. Hello there dude. Good to talk to you again, O'Malley dude. Hey, you still wanting to talk to me mi amigo or what?"

"Goodbye Vic. Your services will no longer be required." Helen/O'Malley switched off the radio.

"All right you narks, here's what we're going to do…" Helen started.

"Oh no you don't, I'm taking over this body." O'Malley interrupted.

"I'd like to see you try!" Helen snarled back.

The Red and Blue Team watched the schizophrenic conversation in amazement.

"This is weird."

Caboose interrupted, "My tummy feels all bubbly."

"Good grief, it's the bomb. We're all going to die!"

"Don't be so negative," Doughnut replied.

"What's the positive side?" Simmons snorted.

"That we all get to die together, like one big happy family."

"I can hardly wait," Church replied dryly.

_The cave _

Grif settled down in the cave with a sigh of content.

"At least I'm safe here," he mumbled to himself, "and nobody knows where I am."

"Hello Grif!"

"Gah!" Grif jumped to his feet. "Doc? What are you doing here?"

"O'Malley left me. I think he jumped into someone else when they turned their radio on. For some reason I think he found me annoying…"

Grif sighed, "Well it's a good thing I didn't go back to the base then."

"Do you have a conscience?" Doc asked with something akin to disgust.

"What's that?"

"Let me illustrate that with a song."

_Back at Red Base _

"Sarge, you sent Grif to get the bomb, how do we turn it off?"

"I have absolutely no idea. I merely sent Grif to get it in the hope that he would eat it and explode, apparently it needs to react with water – like in the body – to detonate. Unfortunately that didn't happen as Grif, for some unknown reason, doesn't like bananas."

"Never mind sir, it was a perfectly feasible plan."

"What I don't understand is why it hasn't exploded yet. The timer should've started counting down the moment Caboose put it in his mouth."

"Unless of course," Helen said, totally ignoring O'Malley's attempts to take over, "Caboose didn't eat the banana."

Every eye turned to Caboose. Caboose stood there and shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably.

"Caboose, what did you really do with the banana?"

"Well – I was going – to – eat – it but then I thought – why – eat one – when I can – grow a ban-an-a tree and – eat – three. So I – planted it and – watered it and then – came back here," Caboose muttered sheepishly.

"Where did you plant the banana Caboose?" Church asked sharply.

There was a huge blast as the Blue Base exploded into bits.

"I – can't quite – remember."

Rachel flew through the air and landed in the dirt by the captured Red team with a thump. She groaned and rolled over.

"What the hell happened? One minute I was sneaking up to rescue you guys and the next thing I know there's a huge explosion and I'm flying through the air."

"Well Caboose, it looks like you inadvertently managed to foil another red plan." Helen commended him.

"BUT HE'S BLOWN UP OUR BASE!" Church bellowed.

"Shut up, you fools, I wish to speak."

O'Malley was promptly silenced by Helen who started to inwardly yell at him.

"Wait a minute, the Red team have a girl too?" Tucker was looking absolutely thrilled with the turn of events.

Rachel quickly got to her feet and backed into the centre of the Red team.

"Any escape plans guys?"

"No," Simmons answered her shortly, "You're the one who's supposed to come up with the plan being the one that escaped and therefore having has ample opportunity to come up with one."

Rachel was silent for a moment. "Well then we'll jut have to hope Grif saves us."

This was greeted by uproarious laughter from the Red team.

Meanwhile Helen was getting sick of O'Malley fighting for control, not that he was winning but it was rather distracting. "Hey team? Not to be deliberately annoying or anything but can you GET THIS STUPID AI THING OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!"

Church gulped and promptly left his body behind. He floated into Helen's mind and took a look around.

It was a barren landscape with fire shooting up out the ground, a blood red sky, burnt tree stumps and rabid squirrels scampering around. Thick dust and ash stirred beneath his feet as he walked towards where O'Malley was sitting in a hole crying. It looked like the Squirrels had attacked him more than once as well.

"It's not fair! I'm the evil one here. I'm supposed to be the most evil. How could I be beaten by a girl?"

"Dude, just face it, this was one mean chick. Maybe you should just give up, you know, quietly die somewhere."

"You're right!"

"Good."

"I'll go back into that fool Doc."

"No. No. I don't think you quite understand…"

"You fool! It's too late for that now," O'Malley cackled to himself and vanished.

With a sigh Church turned to go, before he paused and turned back.

"Give the leadership back to Church," he whispered into her mind.

"CHURCH! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HEAD OR SO HELP ME I'LL SHOOT YOUR BODY WHERE IT'S LYING PRONE ON THE FLOOR."

Church winced. Man she was loud. No wonder O'Malley left.

With a bump he returned to his body and stood up.

"He's gone."

"I'm aware of that nark."

"Ah, gratitude," he muttered, before glancing around. "Hey! Where did the Red team go? And how come we're back in the remains of the Blue Base?"

"Funny story…" Tucker grimaced.

_A few moments earlier… _

"Now's our chance to attack!" Sarge declared. "While one of their team is out and the other is mucking around inside her head."

Gunshots were fired that made Tucker and Caboose duck and Grif came running up to them.

"Grif! You came!" Rachel said with relief.

"Anything to get away from Doc singing a rendition of 'Give a little Whistle'. Why does he think he's Jeremy Cricket?"

"Being infected by the AI must've messed with his head."

"Don't think that just because you rescued us means I'm going to just forget the fact that you deserted us." Sarge glared at them.

"How about if I make you a cookie?" Rachel suggested.

Sarge thought about this. "Make it two."

Without delay the Red team then wiped the floor with the remaining Blue Team and dumped them unceremoniously back at their base before Helen and Church both came to.

_Back to the present… _

"So now what do we do?" Church asked.

Helen shrugged, "Who's this 'we'? I'm going home, this was just a training exam I had to pass and I did so woo and I'm so outta here."

With that Helen ran off and was quickly beamed up into a waiting ship.

_Back at the Red Base _

The same thing was happening.

Rachel was beamed up into the waiting spaceship, which began to fly off.

"No! Wait! Take me with you!" Grif sobbed.

"Aww, did you love her Grif?" Doughnut asked.

"Love her? No way. You do realise that that ship was probably the only way off this piece of dirt for the next several years!"

"Well I'm disappointed too!" Doughnut continued. "We didn't get to have a sleepover and braid each other's hair."

"You can always do that with my sister…" Grif replied, before pausing. " Wait a minute. Hey you guys! Where the heck's my sister?"

_On the top of the Red Base _

Grif's sister opened her eyes.

"That was a lovely nap…but now my suntan's all uneven! Why didn't anyone wake me up?"


End file.
